btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
