david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
