Porn is love you can see.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
