Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
