i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
