My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
