my phone needs a breathalizer
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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