its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
