i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
