the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
