By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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