i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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