Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
