All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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