Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
