We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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