Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
