your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
