I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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