Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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