Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
