I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
My hand turned me down
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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