I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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