i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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