hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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