anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
