Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
