Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
