Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
This toilet bowl is my home.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
