sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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