Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
