am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
