I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
