Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
