I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
