My boss' voice literally gives me gas
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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