So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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