How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
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Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
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He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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