your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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