my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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