i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
