the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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