If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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