Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
