i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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