You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
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he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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