I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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