Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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