And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
