i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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