Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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