There was a lot of him and a little penis
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I need moral support for this bender
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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