We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I can't turn off my feet"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
