He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize