what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
