I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
