there's paper in my vomit.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
