I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.