i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
