She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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