I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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