he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
