My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Vodka?
Forever.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
