Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
